The Bleach Scene
by Jobby
Summary: Ever wondered what happens “behind closed doors” in the Seireitei? Maybe it’s a good thing it stays that way…
1. The Bleach Scene

Ever wondered what happens "behind closed doors" in the Seireitei? Maybe it's a good thing it stays that way…

The characters make the show – and the random scenes I create. Although the Bleach characters, world, and terms are not my own, I do take these random and humorous clips from my many musings of what happens in their spare time…

The Bleach Scene

"Explain to me again what a Shinigami does," Ichigo said.

Rukia dove for the nearest pad of paper. Ichigo raced to intercept her.

"Not like that!" he burst.

His perfectly aimed tackle jarred against Rukia's outstretched foot. He slipped to the ground. Rukia turned away and began to scribble madly upon the paper. A second later, she sat up with the notebook fashioned like a whiteboard. Ichigo glared at her.

"You are a Shinigami for now," Rukia explained, pointing to a rabbit that resembled Hello Kitty more than it did Ichigo.

She flipped the page.

"You use your Zanpaktou-"

Now the Hello Kitty bunny held a butter knife three times bigger than it. A demonic scowl was drawn several inches too wide for the bunny's small face.

Rukia flipped the page again.

"-to fight off Hollows, which are your enemy."

The Ichigo-bunny was now fending off a black bunny. It had a large hole in the center but it still had its adorable face. Ichigo stared at the picture.

"You're pictures make it so much worse…"

Rukia slammed the drawing pad over his head. Ichigo face-planted into the ground. Rukia smothered his face further into the ground with her foot.

"You arrogant boy! How dare you mock my works of art!"

"Art? A second-grader could do better!" Ichigo forced out.

Rukia growled and removed her foot. She folded her arms and looked away. "Just remember think of Hollows as the stains of this world and the Shinigami is the bleach that gets the stains out."

Ichigo looked up at her. "You're poetry's even worse."

She kicked him.


	2. Gay Men Bicker

Gay Men Bicker

"Hey, Renji, how come your captain is so popular with the ladies?" Ikkaku asked.

Renji leaned back to stare at the sky. Popular with the ladies? How was he supposed to know that? It's not like Renji thought of him that way… Byakuya Kuchiki was the furthest away you could from being gay – save for the long hair, the fine face, chiseled features, and slender body…

"_Is_ he gay?" Renji mused suddenly, putting a hand to his mouth.

"He's gay?" Ikkaku burst in horror. He punched his fist into his palm. "No wonder… Girls just aren't the same around guys as they are gay guys…"

Renji turned a worried look to Ikkaku. "You don't think…?"

Ikkaku nodded grimly. "I'm thinking that your freakishly red hair and tattooed eyebrows were the thing that caught Kuckiki-taichou's attention. Not your strength."

"But I thought he was married!"

"Was," the bald man muttered. He clapped a hand on the back of Renji's shoulder and pulled him closer. "That's always how it starts."

Renji gulped. How much alone time had he spent with Captain Kuchiki? Sweat started to bead on his forehead.

"Too much," he whispered.

Ikkaku stared at him then suddenly shoved him back.

"Dude, are you gay?!" he roared.

Renji balled his fists. "What's your problem?"

Ikkaku stuck a finger in Renji's face. "Only a gay man would think of Kuchiki-taichou in such a way! You're gay!"

Renji's eyes widened. For a moment he was speechless.

"You – You're the one that started this whole conversation!"

"I said nothing about being gay! That was all you!"

"But you're the one that made the reference to gay guys."

Ikkaku scowled. "That's what being gay means! If you're gay you have to be a guy. It doesn't work if you're a chick. Chick on chick is something completely different!"

The two stopped at the thought. Ikkaku was slightly smiling. Renji shook his head and regained his anger.

"There you go again!"

"What? Don't tell me that you don't think about things like that-" His eyes widened. "You _are_ gay aren't you?"

Renji froze. "Kuchiki-taichou!" he burst, all business now.

Ikkaku reluctantly turned around with a guilty smile on his face. "Kuchiki-san…"

Byakuya Kuchiki glided between the two without a word. They held their breaths until he passed. Each kept their eyes fixed on him – one thinking about death and the other questioning his sexual preferences.

He passed a moment later, still mentioning nothing about the dangerous topic at hand. Byakuya came to a stop several feet away.

"Renji," he called.

His words struck the rigid Renji like a whip. He stood up. "Yes taichou?"

"Only gay men bicker."


	3. Paperwork Priorities

Paperwork Priorities

"Taichou! Have you heard the good news?" Matsumoto squealed, latching onto her favorite captain – Toushiro Hitsugaya.

He glowered, trying to contain his frustration. "What is it, Matsumoto?"

"Yachiru is volunteering to do everyone's paperwork!"

"Kenpachi's lieutenant?"

Her head bobbed up and down. "Uh huh! I'm going to go ahead and send mine over, okay?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Matsumoto? You know how she can get-"

Matsumoto waved him off. "Oh don't be ridiculous! She's perfect!"

Matsumoto scooped the stack of papers off of her desk and pranced out of the room. She could hardly believe her luck! Yachiru was young and naïve. This meant that tonight she go out with the girls and do a bit of… socializing.

As she made her way over to the 11th Squad barracks, she noticed other people zipping in and out of the main office. Creeping closer, she cast a suspicious look into the room. Papers were strewn about the office as if Byakuya had released his Zanpaktou and shredded them. A small, pink haired girl was standing on top of the desk with her hands stretched above her head.

"Watch me Ken-chan!" she squeaked as she leaped from the desk.

An explosion of paperwork strips burst into the air. The small girl disappeared completely. Matsumoto often heard her captain complaining about being buried in paperwork, but she never suspected that it was literal. (Not that she had ever done enough herself to actually believe it…) More papers were thrown into the air. Yachiru cheered as paper shreds covered him in a thin layer.

"Yay! Kenny, it's snowing!"

The giant captain smirked at his lieutenant and settled further against the wall. Matsumoto blinked several times.

'Taichou is going to be upset if I leave my paperwork here…' she thought. She cast a glance back in the direction she had come. She looked down at the paperwork in her arms. 'Paperwork… Party… A girl has to get her priorities straight.'

She stepped into the room. "Yachiru-kun! Look what I've brought you!"


	4. Locks of Conspiracy

Locks of Conspiracy

"Smiley-chan!" Yachiru shrieked.

Ichimaru Gin stopped in his tracks and turned a bright smile towards the charging girl.

"Yachiru-kun, wat'cha doin'?"

Before running headlong into his lanky figure, the small girl halted. She gawked at him through huge eyes. She smiled.

"What are you doing?"

His impossibly wide grin grew wider. "I'm lookin' for someone to play a trick on."

Yachiru bounced up and down on the balls of her feet with her hand in the air. "Oh pick me! Pick me, Smiley-chan!"

Ichimaru smirked. "You want me t' play a trick on you?"

"I know someone!"

He bent towards her, cutting the height between them in half. "Do you now? Who could that be, I wonder?" he asked, putting a hand on the girl's head.

She beckoned with her slender finger. Ichimaru bent closer until he was almost kneeling before the small lieutenant. Yachiru cupped her hand to her mouth.

"We could cut Bya-chan's hair while he is sleeping!" she whispered, failing to keep the excitement from squeaking.

Ichimaru opened his eyes and looked sideways at the young girl. Cut Byakuya-sama's perfect hair? It was the definition of sin in all of Seireitei. Whoever would think of disturbing his long locks or the plates that held them in place?

Ichimaru's grin returned. It was often a well-kept secret why the Captain of the Sixth Squad wore those white plates in his hair. Some suspected they held some special power – others believed it was his fashion statement. But Gin knew that those accessories covered an even greater secret.

They were hair extensions: Hair extensions that covered the embarrassment of a bet gone astray – a mullet to be precise.

Ichimaru choked back a laugh as his thoughts returned to the bet that he had lost against his former captain, Aizen. As the loser, Ichimaru was forced to sneak into the noble's sleeping quarters and cut his silken hair into a mullet.

The next day, the white plates had appeared. No one asked Kuchiki why he wore them. No one dared. It was accepted, but always mocked behind closed doors.

"What do you think?" Yachiru whispered, cracking into his thoughts.

He leaned away and folded his arms. "We need something more original. Let's fill Ukitake's cough syrup with Shunsui's sake."


	5. Never Cry Wolf

_Thanks to all that have read and reviewed! Hope you enjoy this one!_

Never Cry Wolf

Shunsui and Ukitake sat with against the Thirteenth Office building. Shunsui sipped from his glass.

"Every thing's so quiet nowadays."

Ukitake closed his eyes and folded his arms. "Indeed. It's a wonder nothing has happened."

"It's kind of boring, wouldn't you say?"

Ukitake peeked at his friend through one eye. "You're bored?" He shrugged. "What about Nano-chan?"

Shunsui drained his glass and poured himself another. "She's been very irritable this week."

"That time of the month, I guess."

The two mused together with understanding groans.

"And that's why you're bored?" Ukitake asked.

Shunsui stretched his legs. "No, not really."

"Then why are you bored?"

"No reason – what's that?" he burst, pointing towards the sky.

Ukitake tensed and followed the direction of his friend's finger. Was it a Hollow? Or some new foe that had come to seek revenge on the Seireitei? Ukitake's gaze met only blue sky.

"I don't see anything."

Shunsui dropped his hand and reclined against the wall. "One."

"Huh?"

By this time, a young Shinigami girl was passing by. Shunsui sat up again and pointed towards the sky.

"What on Earth…?" he said.

The girl jumped and turned towards the sky. After seeing nothing, she glanced uncertainly at the Captain. Shunsui settled down again.

"Two."

By this time, Ukitake was catching on. The Shinigami hurried away, casting weird looks over her shoulder.

"You see?" Shunsui asked, offering sake to his friend.

Ukitake held his glass out graciously. "Indeed I do."

_Twenty minutes later…_

Zaraki Kenpachi stormed through the hall with his cloak billowing behind him. Damn that Ichigo. He needed to get back to Seireitei quick so that he could have another match with him.

He didn't notice Shunsui or Ukitake until they were practically on their feet, pointing at something in the air. Ukitake's hand strayed to his Zanpaktou. Kenpachi grinned. Just what he needed – some excitement.

He stopped and stared into the sky. Was it a Hollow – or perhaps Ichigo himself? Nothing. He screwed up his face.

"What's going on?"

"Thirty-four!" the two captains exclaimed.

Thirty-four? What on Earth…? Then he knew. He whipped out his Zanpaktou and scowled them. What little color was left in Ukitake's face drained away. Shunsui gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing.

Kenpachi swung his sword high above his head. "You should know never to cry wolf!"


	6. Hellish Pranks

Hellish Pranks

"Gin, what is the meanest thing you've done?" Aizen asked as he filled out his paperwork.

The silver haired captain pretended not to hear him. He traced the windowpane with his finger.

"Gin?" Aizen asked again.

"Hm?"

"What is the meanest thing you've done to someone?"

Ichimaru Gin stepped away from the wall to grin at his former captain. "Why do you ask?"

"I wish to know."

Ichimaru turned and leaned his back against the wall. "It's nothin' like murderin' someone or plottin' to take over the world."

"Did I say I wanted you to?"

"Was it a suggestion, Aizen-sama?"

Aizen ignored him. "You don't join the usual social gatherings and you certainly don't do your paperwork. I want to know what you do with your time."

Gin's trademark smirk spread across his wide face. "Things to keep things interestin'."

"Such as…?"

"Pranks."

"Ichimaru Gin, you are the most vague person I know."

Gin rubbed his neck and smiled. "The meanest thing I've done, eh? Mmm… Too many to say, Aizen-sama."

"Well, what's the latest one?" Aizen asked, turning to his ex-lieutenant.

Ichimaru grinned. "I moved Tousen-san's furniture around."

Aizen stared at him in disbelief and shook his head. That poor blind man, Aizen thought.

"Ichimaru Gin, you are going to Hell…"


	7. Paperwork Priorities II

Paperwork Priorities II

Matsumoto sat at her desk, scribbling odd and random words that didn't even fit together on the same page. She planted her head on her hand and continued to write without looking at the paper. If only Yachiru would volunteer for paperwork again. She sighed. Good thing Captain Hitsugaya hadn't found out about that little misadventure…

She looked down at her doodles. They were worse than Yachiru's. The only thing that gave it away that Matsumoto had done the paperwork and not Yachiru was the lack of pink ink.

"Hello Matsumoto-chan!"

Matsumoto shrieked and threw her papers into the air. She whirled around.

"Gin?"

Ichimaru was peeking his head through the door of the office and grinning from ear to ear.

"Wha'cha doin'?"

"Gin! You nearly made me faint!"

His grin lessened apologetically. "So sorry." He bent down and picked up a paper at his feet. He grinned again. "I like your pictures, Matsumoto-chan."

Matsumoto squealed. In an instant, she was in front of Gin, ripping the paper from his hands. She gathered the rest of the papers against her chest and glared at him.

"If you have no purpose but to pester me, Ichimaru-taichou, then please leave so that I can get my paperwork done for my taichou."

Gin wrinkled his nose. Matsumoto knew he hated it when she talked formal to him. He cocked his head to the side. "Want me to help you with your paperwork?"

Matsumoto whirled around and flung her arms around Ichimaru. Papers scattered everywhere.

"Now that you mention it, I do need help!" she screamed.

He picked up a handful of papers and looked around the room. Matsumoto watched him scrutinize every inch of the office. Ichimaru walked up to Captain Hitsugaya's chair, lifted up the cushion, and stuffed his handful under it. Matsumoto's eyes lit up.

"Paperwork is disposable," he said. "But they get really angry when you throw 'em away. If you let 'em rot for a few hundred years, no one really cares."

He picked up another handful and stuffed it behind the bookcase. He then pulled out several books and put a piece of paper in each one of them. He returned the books to the shelves. Ichimaru pulled a desk drawer completely out, tossed some more papers into the desk, and shut the drawer. Once he was done, he stood up and clapped his hands together.

"Priorities, Matsumoto-chan. Paperwork is all about 'em."


	8. Memory Lane

Memory Lane

Byakuya Kuckiki strode through the streets of Seireitei. He remembered the first time he came through these streets… He could also remember the first time he brought Rukia through these streets with him. They were so full of memories. Some he didn't mind thinking about – others, he'd rather drown himself in Shunsui's sake than remember.

He moved slightly to his right as Zaraki Kenpachi walked towards him. The first time he had seen that buffoon, he had mistaken him for just that. The large man shot Byakuya a hungry grin.

"Kuckiki," he said.

"Hm," he replied.

"Hey Bya-chan!" Kenpachi's lieutenant shouted from her usual perch on the buffoon's shoulder.

Byakuya slowed. No matter how many times he seen the two together, he could never quite believe it. The first time he had seen them together, he had asked Zaraki why he carried around a pink demon. He cast a look at Kenpachi.

"I see you still have your pink demon," he said coldly.

Kenpachi stopped by his side and glared at him sideways. "Who? Yachiru here?"

As if on cue, Yachiru slipped down Kenpachi's arm. Byakuya and Yachiru stared at one another for a brief moment. Quicker than Renji's Zanpaktou, the little girl bit him on the arm.

Now he remembered why he had compared the small child to a demon…

Tonight, he and Shunsui were going to drink.


	9. Where Are You Going?

Where are you going?

"It will only be for a little while, Ichigo," Urahara Kisuke promised.

Ichigo frowned and gestured to the four plushies behind him. "Can't you get Renji to do it?"

Urahara flipped out his fan and hid his grin. "Come now, Kurosaki-kun. Abarai-san will be helping me."

Ichigo's glower darkened. "What abou Ururu and Jinta?"

Urahara snapped his fan shut and slapped it on Ichigo's forehead. "You can't expect children to babysit."

He blew out a breath of frustration. Kon was enough… but the other three?

"Fine," he muttered. "But you better be back soon."

Urahara flipped his fan in front of his face and laughed. He waved his hand in a casual manner. "Of course."

Ichigo looked away. What a lazy scumbag… He turned his attention back to the man in the green-striped hat.

"Just where are you going anyway?"

Urahara bit down on his grin. It became a hinting smirk. His eyes gleamed, revealing that it was not a notable mention. His face seemed to flush a slight pink. Ichigo felt his face turn green. He turned his nose away.

"Forget it. I don't want to know what you two perverts are up to."

"Perverts? Kurosaki-kun, it's only a harmless game of strip-poker…"

Ichigo clapped his hands firmly over his ears. "DON'T TELL ME!"

Urahara stared at him. Ichigo seized the door and slammed it in the shopkeeper's face. He whipped around. Urahara and Renji playing strip-poker… He shook his head before he could even think about it. At least he hadn't asked Ichigo to go along… Awkward. Ririn, Claude, and Nova were staring up at him. Kon was standing nearby.

"Strip-poker?" Ririn asked. "What's that?"

Ichigo snorted and looked away, but said nothing.

Claude gestured wide with his pink bunny ears. "It's gambling with nothing but your clothes! If you lose, you're naked!"

"Unwise to play in the winter," Nova advised.

Both Ririn and Ichigo turned bright red. Kon pushed his way passed the line of plushies.

"Wait! Urahara-san! Is Nee-chan going to be there?" He leaped at Ichigo with his arms outstretched. "Ichigo! Let me borrow your body tonight!"

Ichigo slapped the pouncing stuffed lion to the ground. He pinned Kon to the floor with his foot.

"Yeah right."

"I'll kill you, Ichigo!" Kon screamed, limbs flailing under Ichigo's weight.


	10. CaptainCommander's Free Time

Captain-Commander's Free Time

"What shall we do today, Sasakibe?" Yamamoto asked his lieutenant.

The thin man brushed his pencil-thin mustache with his fingers. He ran his hand through his short white hair. Then he folded his hands behind his back.

"What would you like to do today?" he returned.

The old Captain-Commander folded his hands precariously on his wooden staff. His beard twitched.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I'm not sure. What do you want to do?"

The old man squinted. "You cannot answer my question with another question"

"Why not?"

"Because it accomplishes nothing. You don't see my captains answering my questions with questions."

"That's because you rarely ask them questions. Don't you just tell them what they need to know, sir?"

Yamamoto stroked his beard. Did he really? He liked to think that he was a good commander. Oh well. He replaced his hand on his staff. "I get more accomplished that way."

"If that is so, sir, then why not tell me what we're going to do today instead of asking pointless questions?"

"I never ask pointless questions," he stated.

"What do you want to do then?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

Sasakibe threw his hands into the air. Any more of this and he'd resign.

"Why don't you test out the gift Shunsui and Ukitake brought you from the real world?" he suggested.

"Sasakibe, we're going to test out the gift Shunsui and Ukitake brought me from the real world."

The lieutenant rolled his eyes. "Brilliant idea, sir."

"Of course. That is why I am the Captain-Commander," he said as he pulled out a video game console. "How do you feel about rock bands, Sasakibe?"

The lieutenant's eyes lit up as he picked up the plastic guitar. "Another pointless question, sir."


	11. Paperwork Priorities III

Paperwork Priorities III

Toushiro Hitsugaya plopped into his chair. Gone again. Matsumoto was never around when paperwork needed to be done. He pulled out a pen and began scribbling frantically.

There was a knock at the door. Hitsugaya's face darkened.

"What is it?" he growled.

"Hitsugaya-taichou, I have a question on last week's paperwork."

Hitsugaya sat up. "Tousen?"

The blind man glided into his office. Hitsugaya noticed a bruise along the man's dark cheek. He stood up.

"Tousen, what happened to your face?"

He smiled slightly. "I'm guessing Ichimaru broke into my office and rearranged my furniture."

Hitsugaya grimaced. He would have never seen it coming either. His face flushed. A bad joke.

"What's the matter, Toushiro?"

"Nothing. What is it that you wanted?"

He handed him a stack of papers. Hitsugaya immediately began to flip through it.

"They've been taped together," he noted. What in Soul Society had Matusmoto done?

"Division Eleven turned it in."

"Kenpachi."

"No. His lieutenant."

Hitsugaya growled and sat back in his chair. Tousen stiffened. The young captain glanced up at him.

"Is there something else?"

"I believe so, sir." He stepped around his desk. "Stand up please."

Hitsugaya flashed him an incredulous look. He stood up slowly. The blind captain reached for the cushion seat of his chair and lifted it up. Hitsugaya gasped as he pulled out a fistful of paper. Yesterday's paperwork.

"Matsumoto," he breathed.

"There is still some missing," Tousen noted.

Hitsugaya slammed his fist on his desk. There was a squeak from outside. The two captains turned around.

"Momo," Hitsugaya burst, face coloring. She hovered hesitantly in the doorway. "What do you want?"

"I was wondering if I could borrow a book, but if you're busy…"

"No," he said, standing straight. "Go ahead."

Momo nodded and raced across the room. Her hands brushed along the bookshelf until she found the one she was looking for. Hitsugaya turned back to Tousen.

"I apologize for this mess. I'll correct it immed-"

Momo gasped. Hitsugaya whipped around. "Momo, what is it?"

She held an open book in one hand, and in the other was a folded piece of paper. Momo gaped at it. "Toushiro-kun, I thought paperwork was your top priority."

Tousen and Hitsugaya stared at the paperwork in Momo's hand. A growl worked its way up Hitsugaya's throat.

"MATSUMOTO!"

On the far side of Seireitei, Matsumoto stopped in her tracks. A sudden feeling of dread engulfed her. She smiled sheepishly.

"Time to go!"


End file.
